Aug. 2nd, 2006 @ 02:36 pm
Those of you who are members of Raynors Raiders or otherwise have a chance to vote in the upcoming protoss general election have been given a valuable opportunity to shape the face of the heavily militarized, strictly class-based, alien free world.
This is a valuable priviledge that should not be taken lightly, nor discarded. Therefore you will vote, or you will die. I will personally rip the limbs on one side off a zergling and release it within your house, where it will rip your frail innards out in a comically circular fashion, if voting rights are wasted.
And since I will also kill anyone who makes an uninformed decision upon such a world-shaping issue, I will discuss the positions of the parties chosen canidates.
For the galactic republicans we have Probe and runningmate High Templar. Putting forth stable economic growth as the most important thing for Shakuras at this time, this ticket values steady base expansion and opening up the mineral field in the lower-left corner of the map for mining to reduce the need for Terran vespene. Probes runningmate is a strict khala believer who is expected to be a significant obstacle for Protoss/Zerg hybrid projects. Even more so than every other protoss alive.
And on the cosmic democrats side of things, we have Jim Raynor and Dark Templar. Jim Raynor is of the strong opinion that far to much of our resources are being spent on fighting units, citing the fact that the zerg swarm can overpower us at any time in our current state and a military buildup will only serve to provoke them. He is also opposed to opening up the lower-left corner, citing the belief that the small amount of gas gained will not be worth permanently altering the pristine landscape that is home to the majestic Ursadon. If you don't vote for him I will kill you. Raynors running mate recently merged with a galactic republican Dark Templar. The resulting entity is expected to accomplish absolutely nothing.
Note that the following originally took place between bill o' reilly and micheal moore, the parts where bill talks are unedited except for the end few, this will be featured in the chapter "Politics and other frail human matters; are terrans just apes in space?":
BILL O'REILLY, HOST: The issues… all right good. Now, one of the issues is you because you’ve been calling Bush a liar on weapons of mass destruction, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Lord Butler’s investigation in Britain and now the 9/11 Commission have all come out and said there was no lying on the part of President Bush. Plus, Vladimir Putin has said his intelligence told Bush there were weapons of mass destruction. Wanna apologize to the president now or later?
FENIX: Your frail human toxins are not weapons of mass destruction! My ship could destroy this puny human city in a matter of seconds, without the aid of its powerful fighters. In fact, I instruct it to destroy your white house as we speak, your president Bush will know the meaning of mass destruction!
O'REILLY: Yeah, but he didn’t lie, he was misinformed by — all of those investigations come to the same conclusion. That’s not a lie.
FENIX: These simple deceptions on the parts of your apelike rulers are laughable, and what if I told you that your white house was atomized a moment ago?
O'REILLY: That would be a lie because we could see that wasn’t the truth.
FENIX: Of course not frail human. I should note that your feeble president himself lauded my battle prowess, admitting that I would be a superior leader.
O'REILLY: OK, He never said that, but back to the other thing: If you, if Praetor Fenix is president…
MOORE: I would bestow a tax break upon any terrans who would allow for the installation of a pylon cluster in their backyard, stimulating your primitive and lagging economy, and allowing the warping-in of additional warriors of Aiur.
O'REILLY: Which may happen if Hollywood, yeah, OK, fine…
FENIX: DO NOT TEST ME TERRAN! (warp blades are drawn)
O'REILLY: Just the issues. You’ve got three separate investigations plus the president of Russia all saying… British intelligence, U.S. intelligence, Russian intelligence, told the president there were weapons of mass destruction; you say he lied. This is not a lie if you believe it to be true, now he may have made a mistake, which is obvious…
FENIX: Well, that’s almost pathological. Many criminals believe what they say is true; they could pass a lie detector test, then they become marines and I slay them if they aren't Raynors Warriors.
O'REILLY: All right, now you’re dancing around a question…
FENIX: Perhaps you simply envy my ability to dance! (legs are cleaved)
O'REILLY: He didn’t lie, aw jesus the blood loss…
FENIX: He said something that wasn’t true.
O'REILLY: Based upon bad information given to him by legitimate sources.
FENIX: An observer is a legiimate source, terran, not another terran.
O'REILLY: They wouldn’t go by Russian… uggh…intelligence… aw jesus, and Blair’s intelligence… aw christ… too. Oh jesus this is… un-american…(conversation is terminated on account of the incapacitation of a participant).
FENIX: What is "un-american"?
In my continuing effort to educate the unenlightened terran, I have taken it upon myself to instill 398 years of knowledge and experience into a single tome.
I am writing a book.
Subjects tackled will range from war stories to my views on politics and airplane peanuts.
Early sample chapters will be posted in "themantrain" community shortly.
*stares while trying to look angry*
Though I should expect comrades of a protoss warrior to restrain their collective transport beasts of burden, I would expect the the terran "need for speed" would give rise to questions of my prolonged failure to report emergent events on and off the field. Therefore, I would say that to the best of my recollection the past months were spent fighting to avoid dealing with the inconvience of death, and the prospect of becoming ever more akin to the mythical terran figure "robocop". However, in the interest of generating sufficient amounts of miniature talk I should find it fit to recount an anecdote of little or no importance to the survival of the protoss people. |
So me and Xellos and Le'rosh are proceeding down the contested territory of no-mans land, passing the wretched zerg hive. And this terran initiates reverse thrusters, fast, in dangerously close proximity. If we had been 5 grid spaces farther ahead, we'd be martyrs for the protoss cause. So Xellos yells, "I'm going to perform the boxer vulture push," and, as we walk along the back, I rend the back of the car with a well-placed singularity charge, just enough to deal him minimal explosive damage. I know I didn't leave any serious damage; I have no intention of leaving damage, unless I'm trying. In continuence, 30 seconds later the terran use stims and comes running up behind us and starts bitching me out. He wanted me to give him ore for the damages I'd done to his vulture. I charge my phase disruptor, but my power reserves are minimal, so I say, "Sorry, puny terran, but I don't have any ore." Now, this is a gawky 40 something terran white guy. His face is red like a zergling I slew, his glasses are askew, the spittle's flying. I'm not intimidated in the least. But he seems to think he's got something going for him as he yells, "You better apologize, you little protoss bitch! I'll call the Umorajan Protectorate on you!" Now, I would have apologized, despite the fact that, as warriors, we absolutely had the right of way. Granted, it would have been something along the lines of "Sorry I disrupted the surface of your fragile terran alloy; I know it's compensation for your impotency and all." But it would have been an apology nonetheless. However, you don't call me a bitch in Xellos's presence and get away with it. So she goes off on him, and I go off on him, and Le'rosh is, I think, trying not to emit a war-cry. He realizes he's not getting an apology or any ore out of us, so he starts heading back to his vulture. His parting words are, "You shouldn't be out on the lower-left grid spaces, you dimunitive undesirables." I reply with "You shouldn't be driving, terran." We throw a few more choice insults in his direction. Maybe the best part of it all was the group gathered up the expansion, they were all zerg, so we killed them. I think their glares alone might have taught him a thing or two about fucking with denizens of that expansion. Then I vaporized him.
Ah, positive idle speculation of past events. Perhaps another?
When we got back to the Ganthrithor II, Le'rosh attempts to purchase a timely consumable from a captured terran "vending machine". As the consumable draws ever nearer the end result seems an exercise in inevitability, when the hopes of Le'rosh are shattered much in the manner of a zergling when the consumable resists consumption and hangs at the edge of oblivion, seeming almost to mock le'rosh and his efforts. Naturally Le'rosh begins to force the infernal machine to advance and withraw on it's axis repeatedly, and at ever greater pace, when the thing topples in the manner of our glorious homeworld, onto Le'rosh. Much to the dismay of Le'rosh the falling vending machine inflicts concussive damage, dealing a full 100 points to his light armor, and he had failed to raise his shields not, considering this turn of events a tangible possibility. Now he too lives in the manner of robocop, the terran to whom I can most relate, sorry Jimmy.
|» Holy protoss porno batman!|
THis is in response to Joah and his recent posting of some hot protoss on zerg action fanfic from fanfiction.com, cause it's inappropriate, so he posted it on my LJ so it would look I did it but it's inappropriate lol, get it? get it? Thats funny right? omg lollerskates! |
As much as I loves me my porno, I don't to mix that interest in with SC for the sake of my mental stability, so any later posts with porno aren't me.
Same goes for tubgirl avatars.
Or most other things that would make you go "lol that's inappropriate omg lollerskates".
How many filthy zerg does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they are dead.|
Oh wait, how many dead zerg does it take to change a lightbulb? All the ones I killed, of which there are many. Furthermore dead zerg cannot change lightbulbs, so the question is irrelevant, save to show my battle prowess.
The zerg on this map have been exiled from existance, but more importantly, we have level three weapons!
We're in the middle of a desert now, and after building a new forge, I notice we have no level three weapons, again, this constant loss of progress is most concerning. In addition our scouts have reported there are terrans within one corner of the desert who me must kill because they are encroaching on our desert wasteland, zerg on another who we must kill because they are zerg, and and Protoss adjacent to us who we must kill because their armor is a different color than ours.
Also, I don't like sand. It's course and rough and it get in everything. Not like here, here everything is soft and smooth and costs roughly 100 ore and gas.
My apologies for not updating sooner, but I was involved in an attack on a zerg-held temple, and there was a wall and well, we don't have guns so we had to scale it. Well it turned out that it was a really tall, shear wall so it took all of... just how many months was it? to reach the top. In fact, that entire ordeal could have been avoided if the great green arrow in the sky had given us deathblasters, and don't tell me we don't have deathblasters because I know we have spaceships, and what spacefaring race doesn't have deathblasters... besides the zerg... and the terrans... and the xel'naga... and all those other species... Ahh, knowing we alone have deathblasters makes me proud to be protoss, of course I don't personally have a deathblaster and neither does anyone I know, but that's only because it's an upgrade, and we're a little strapped for the giant blue rock-candy that we use to make research... and other protoss... apparently.|
But enough about that, I swear, I'm such a ditz sometimes LOL.
So what else occurred during my glorious crusade against the foul ones... well... that hybrid creature that we were studying got away. What happened was that we had just returned from a raid on the nearby human group of primitive buildings built in the middle of a wasteland with no strategic value except to launch raids on our glorious cluster of powerful buildings built in the middle of a wasteland, when we found the stasis cell empty and Nehgsj'floros (the guard on shift at the time) killed by what looked to be what is known by the big green pointer as the "ZeRG rush OMG". We should have launched a full search party to recover that... thing, but Falnog'sojo had a parasite and we were pretty tired and low on "health" from the raid at the time so I, in my short-sightedness, delayed action at the critical moment.
In other news, Ko'shoros locked the keys in the carrier with the lights on AGAIN. I mean I realize that he was was created from green gas and rock-candy recently and that he has a parasite we can't cure because that's a terran upgrade and we don't have a dark archon and even if we did it wouldn't be able to mind control an SCV because we're strapped for upgrade rock-candy (not that I'd waste it on him after he totally told Nicole I was afraid of zerglings, WHICH I'M NOT), and I totally respect all that but for the love of god, take the keys with you when you leave the carrier. So you turn them when you power down the ship but you can't bother to take them out as well? Weak!
And did I already say about the guns? oh yeah, to recap, WE NEED GUNS! Lemme get this straight, we have the technology to traverse the vastness of space at leisure, and we strap blasters to disposable fighters, but we just can't get it together enough to... Feeling strange urge to proceed to grid 18/24... middle of enemy base... do not question the arrow... the arrow knows all...